Guilt

Who says we have to work 5 days a week? Who says life can't be fulfilled by staying at home with the kids, being a housewife or working part time? Well me actually.  I have always believed that if you don't work fulltime you are less of a person, I think the belief developed from being left on the 'girls' table at posh dinners in my late teens and finding myself surrounded by girls of the same age as me or a little older who had no ambition to have a career or those that did just assumed they could buy their way into it, non of them went to university or worked fulltime, I was doing both at the time and as a result could not find any common ground.  I could not involve myself in their conversations because I only felt disgust and bitterness towards their view of life.  I would sneak away and join the male element of the party all of whom had worked hard since they left school and some of whom had even gone to university (for a farming community university is not necessarily an expectation)
So it is my own fault that I feel guilty for not going to work every day, it is not because I can't afford to pay my mortgage and bills (even if the hubby leaves me I'd be ok financially) or go out for meals and buy new clothes.  I can afford at least two holidays this year (not to the carribean obviously) I think I might have enough money saved to finally get the kitchen done up or at least french doors put in and the room properly insulated. I have bought new clothes and shoes having relegated several elements of my wardrobe to the wheelie bin or the loft (incase one day its back in fashion or fits) And nobody is pointing and laughing or sneering in disgust at my new lifestyle (not openly anyway)
I have maintained this preconception about women that do not work or have any real career ambition throughout my life and have bowed out of social events and conversations because I believe they will have nothing interesting to talk about (conversations solely about children do not interest me especially as they usually result in the question of when I will have one) and now I find that I am scared that I will have nothing to say anymore, no interesting view points or anecdotes other than to express my devotion to the puppy and relay stories of how cute he is when he rubs his face with his paws (it is an adorable sight!)
Will hubby and I have anything to discuss once he's told me how his day was and I've explained how dirty the floors were even though I only mopped them a couple of days ago and asked what we should have for tea?
So ultimately I feel guilty for not working full time, I feel even more guilty for going on a mini shopping spree earlier this week.  Having picked up several items that looked lovely on the hanger, but couldn't possibly look that nice on me, I dragged hubby to the changing rooms so he could be judge.  I tried on, I twirled in front of the mirror, I twirled in front of the hubby and I loved every item/oufit.  Having chastised hubby for allowing me to buy them all we left the shop, happy but guilt seeping through and me justifying in various inventive ways why I should have bought 2 skirts, a dress and jacket (for £65!) when I might not have a job come September! Hubby reassured me that I deserved a treat and that the pain and suffering (I am still having physio) I have gone through as a result of some silly bint running into us before Christmas should be treated with just this kind of retail therapy. Obviously I decided on this occassion that hubby is right, but I haven't worn the outfits yet and may still return an item or two to ease my conscience.  The payout for my injuries came through today however and made my bank account look healthy for the first time in months, but I'm being sensible, I paid off my credit card and put the majority safely in a savings account, I may need it come September so no more treats for now.
On the subject of work and September, I am no further along in the 90 day consultation period as HR have said that nothing can be done until me grievance is setttled.  Conveniently for them they are still 'investigating' my complaint, it has been 6 weeks! So I can not apply for voluntary redundancy, I can not apply for the available posts that after 37 days of consultation they still have not identified and they cannot say whether ultimately I will have any future at the college.
Yesterday however I had a little epiphany, having accompanied a colleague to her grievance appeal hearing (we made quite a good team, we certainly fought her corner) I was determined to work out what my employer was gaining from postponing the inevitable, they are clearly going to find the 'investigation' in their favour not mine so why take so long about it?  Having done a little research into time limits (we love google) I found that if I wanted to take my calim to a tribunal I had to do this within 3 months of the event I am complaining about happening, panic very quickly set in! I phoned ACAS, very useful people when it comes to employment law issues and free of charge and I am arranging another appointment with Citizen's Advice Bureau (again a free service) so they can take as long as they like concluding my grievanace I now know I can't afford to wait for them and will be putting a claim into the employment tribunal as soon as I can.
The whole episode has provoked my fighting spirit and for that reason my guilt has subsided or at least been masked by determination not to let my employer 'get one over me'   As my colleague recently stated 'we are intelligent people, why do they treat us like idiots?' It true, surely they wouldn't have employed us in the first place if they didn't think we had at least a modicum of intelligence? They seem to hope that no one in the building has any employment law knowledge (they clearly do not share my fondness for google) but besides my limited and somewhat out of date knowledge from my business management degree, consequent managment experience and my expertise in google based research, they employ law lecturers! Surely they expect someone is going to question their methods eventually? Having said that the union reps who are allegedly employed and  paid to do such questioning have done very little despite weekly meetings with the HR department. The phrases jumping through hoops and ticking boxes springs to mind although the rumour is they have employed the highest paid employment law specialists in the land to fight their corner. Money to blow on fancy lawyers, but not pay fair redundancy kind of sums up the ethical stance of the place.